I’ve just read this brain fart of a blog by the Conservative MP Nadine Dorries, and felt compelled to reply to her. Sadly for me, she is fully aware that she posts linkbaiting shite, and that were she to have a comments section, her site would crash. Fortunately, I have my own personal blog, with which to reply.

Before I continue, it’s only fair to say that I’m pretty pro-BBC. Don’t get me wrong, I think it could do with being shaken up a bit, and made to save money in the amount it pays its executives, but otherwise, it does an incredible job. I’ve read countless comments from expats, and foreign nationals, who tell tales of wishing that they could pay a licence fee to be able to use the iPlayer in their country. So yeah, we’re right to be proud of what it does, and how it’s funded.

Anyway. back to my letter to Nadine Dorries.

Dear Nadine,

“So, thousands of soldiers lose their jobs. The very people who have risked their lives every day in order that the BBC can function and fail, over and over, to support the sacrifice they make .”

Straight away, you’re in there, getting all emotive. Why should we care about the BBC when Our Boys (©, The Sun) are getting killed abroad? 1) It’s your party- your government- that have done the maths and put those soldiers out of work, Nadine, not mine. 2) What the hell does the ‘war’ in Afghanistan have to do with protecting our freedom of speech? If they were across our south coast, feverishly holding back wave upon wave of invaders hell-bent on taking us over and restricting our human rights, then I could understand your point, but the two are disconnected. You’re comparing apples and oranges, Nadine, and all you’re coming back with is rhubarb.

“The BBC will only receive the equivalent of a 16% cut over five years. That just isn’t good enough.”

That’s one sixth of their operating budget. One sixth. To put it another way, that’s £700m. For that money, you could run every one of the BBC’s world renowned radio stations. Three times.

Yes. Three times.

You’re talking about taking a prime race horse- one that never, ever loses, and deliberately cutting one of its legs off? And for what? Cheap political point scoring? I honestly don’t know what the Tory bugbear is with the BBC. Are you just pissed off because they’re outside of your grasp? Do you hate the fact that they operate independently of all the other government branches? I honestly don’t know what it is about the BBC that gets you people so arsey.

“The BBC has done a very good job over the last thirteen years to support the Labour Government.”

I read this kind of comment quite a lot, over on the Daily Mail comments. They love it, they do “The BBC are Trotskyist scum” “The BBC are the nanny state” etc, they bleat on, not being entirely sure of what it is they’re talking about, only really being certain that those are the kind of things that their beloved paper say, so they must be true. Do you know where else I read that kind of comment, Nadine? No? Oh, go on, surely a lady as intelligent as you must be able to have a guess? Oh, alright then. It’s on the BBC’s Have Your Say pages.

Yes, the biased BBC, who so love to stick the knife into the Conservatives, day in, day out, are letting these downright filthy, uneducated proles HAVE THEIR SAY! They’re letting these people actively slag them off. Sorry, I have to hang up the cape of sarcasm at this point, just to point out how- and my apologies for the language- FUCKING RETARDED that comment is. The BBC are biased in the same way that I’m going to run a world record time in next year’s London Marathon. I hear it a lot, that accusation, and I can honestly say that I’ve never seen any genuine evidence to prove the BBC’s bias towards Labour. Was it when Andrew Gilligan went on the Today programme, announced that Labour had lied about WMDs, and very nearly brought the government to its knees? No, clearly not.

I’m sorry Nadine, but simply stating that the BBC is biased isn’t going to wash as a justification for slashing £700m from its budget.

“Each person who is ill, elderly or infirm - we all pay from our taxed income.”

Ill and infirm I’ll give you (never mind that they’re quite possibly watching the BBC as they convalesce…), however, you and I both know that the bit about the elderly isn’t true, don’t we? You and I both know that the over 75s don’t pay for their licence fee, don’t we? Granted, we as a nation pay for it via the DWP, but we’re a great nation, we do things as a giant community. To not do so would set a dangerous precedent. “I don’t support the ‘war’ in Afghanistan, so I’d appreciate it if my taxes were reduced to acknowledge this.” That probably won’t wash with the Inland Revenue, will it?

“We need to know the exact cost of every production. How much each person on the production team receives. Every expense receipt going back over five years should be produced for everyone to see. Because we paid.”

If you request this information from the BBC, they will furnish you with it. Gladly. It’s all part of the freedom of information act, you see Nadine. But then, given that you’re an MP, you’ll already know that, won’t you. It’s not a giant conspiracy, it’s culture and entertainment.

But I must take issue with you over your comment about how we’ve paid for it. Here’s the thing, many people are under the impression that they pay their £150 a year, and so they therefore get the right to piss and moan about whatever it is they don’t like about the Corporation. These people pay no attention to those (that usually outnumber them) who enjoy the programming, be it Strictly Come Dancing, or Gardener’s Question Time. At this point, I shall take a quote from the delightful Phill Jupitus;

“The naysayers about the BBC view it like a taxi – they put their money in and they think it should only take them to where they want to go, but the BBC is like a bus with lots of stops. It’s not an A to B service, it’s to cater for everybody.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself. The point I’m making, Nadine, is that no, we haven’t all paid. We’ve paid for the bit we enjoy. I’ve paid for 6Music, the Wittertainment podcast, Radio 4, Radcliffe & Maconie, and TV comedies too numerous to mention. And I’ve paid next to nothing for all of these. Last month, during the furore over Chris Moyles’ rant about his pay, it seemed that I was the only person who bothered to do the sums. While people were calling for him to be sacked, because he was a waste of the licence fee payer’s money, I worked out that his £500k salary amounted to 6p per year for every one of his listeners. Yes, 6p. I don’t listen to him, and even I’d be happy to pay the guy 6p a year for the entertainment he brings to those 8m people that love him. And to argue otherwise would be downright churlish.

Now to my final point.

“The argument to justify the BBC licence fee used to go that the BBC made outstanding period dramas. I have a two word answer to that. Downton Abbey.“

So you’re comparing the entire BBC output to one solitary ITV production? You’re honestly sitting there, Nadine, and telling us that you think that one show on ITV- the one show that you can think of to mention- is better than anything that Auntie has given us recently. The BBC’s period dramas are the stuff of legend, well known for being some of the best in the world, catapaulting TV stars into the great, wide world of cinema, but no, it’s fine, we can forget about financing them because ITV has produced one fluke show. Please Nadine, I implore you, name another ITV production that could stand to be compared even for one moment to the best that the Corporation has to offer? Tell you what, I’m feeling generous, I’ll let you pick one from Sky as well. I’ll let you scour through every one of Sky’s channels, and let you pick one in-house production that can match the level of sophistication and quality that the BBC puts out every week.

You won’t do it, because that show doesn’t exist.

The only channel that comes anywhere near to the BBC is Channel 4. This Is England ’86 was a masterpiece of drama. It had a minimal budget, but it got made, and blew us all away. And how are Channel 4 part funded? Yes Nadine, by the licence fee.

In summary, Nadine, let me put it to you that if you and your Conservative chums do anything to harm my beloved BBC, you won’t just have me to answer to. No.

You’ll have the whole damn country.

:EDIT: As a quick addition, can I just point out, that reading this back after I’ve actually had some sleep, not only is every single point in her original post utterly piss weak, but the post itself is so poorly written that I’m driven to wondering how in God’s name this woman was able to get her shit together enough to stand for parliament. Sorry that I didn’t notice that before.